I just had a thought. I can just see all your eyes rolling…lol
Yesterday I mentioned that I discovered through therapy that I was carrying my Hubby’s pain. Once I had the “ah ha” moment, it lifted off me.
The thought that struck me today is that I was taught to carry the father’s pain. Anyone who has had experience in any way with a narcissist will know that they believe the world revolves around them. They say jump, they expect us to ask, “How high? They hurt, we must hurt, they cry, we must feel sorry for them, they’re sick, we must care for them and be at their beck and call…It goes on but you get idea.
Flip that for a minuet; If we’re sick, it’s inconvenient, if’ we’re crying, we’re babies and they get angry, if we need help they laugh in our faces, if we hurt, we’re being drama queens. We’re taking away their world revolution if we “burden” them with anything.
Part of being raised by a narcissist, was to be in tune to his pain and moods at all times. I often carried his pain as a way to try to show him how much I care so he wouldn’t go into a rage. I had to be hyper-vigilant at all times. I would often go meet him with our dog when I knew he was coming home from work, this was to gauge his mood if it was a dangerous one, I could try to cheer him up by meeting him with the dog.
I wanted to soften him before he came home so that he wouldn’t attack the mother or sister. When I think back now, if he was in that kind of mood, nothing would soften him.
We were always walking on eggshells. Narcissists are so unpredictable. They could be in a great mood one minuet and raging and dangerous the next.
Anyway all this to say, I think carrying people’s pain, might have been learned behaviour too. I have to say the relief from letting that go yesterday was amazing, and I hope I can remember that for next time!
To me it almost feels like if I don’t carry their pain, then I don’t care. This was taught by the narcissistic father.
Now I know, I can care without carrying their pain.
Do you see the differences?
There is hope!
* Don’t forget to check out the all new forum! I would love to get some more discussions going!
