Beginning of rant:
I hate the stupid, dumb ass, ambushing, kick butt triggers that hit from out of nowhere, making me believe that I’m in the past, when I’m really not in the past, I’m in the present. They like to make me angry at the wrong thing or person and, then they get hurt because I’m reacting to them, instead of the trigger that has ambushed me that I’m unaware of because of said ambushing. Geeze they can turn a really nice gesture from someone, into a painful scene from the past. If I knew it was a painful scene from the past right away, then I could catch it and remind myself it isn’t, but it’s a kind gesture of the present. I wish they never happened, but at very least, I wish I could catch them sooner, or at very very least, they wouldn’t ambush me, but tell me that they are dropping by for a visit ahead of time.
End of Rant
About the aforementioned trigger…Hubby decided he was going to clean out the fridge today. How kind of him right?! Without knowing it, my brain automatically heard the father’s voice yelling about the mothers poor house keeping skills, and then, his voice turning on me about mine. How I’m lazy and should keep things cleaner and at very least help him. (Keep in mind I didn’t know this was going on in me yet.) I offered to help Hubby, thinking he was thinking all this crap, even though he wasn’t.
I got out to the kitchen and soon started to get annoyed at him. For what? I didn’t know.…Then it dawned on me…TRIGGER. The father, forcing us to clean the fridge out, all the while bashing, bashing…Then when said fridge was clean, he’d bash the cleaning job, it wasn’t good enough, how dare we miss a spot, start over…
I stopped in my tracks told Hubby this was a trigger. Hubby then felt bad. He said, “I didn’t ask for your help.” I said, “I know, it’s my brain reacting, it hasn’t caught up to the present.” He said, “I’m sorry I triggered you.” I said, “You didn’t, the past did, it’s not your fault.” I told him that no matter what he does or doesn’t do, triggers are going to come out of nowhere, neither of us can avoid them or stop them. It is never his fault when I’m triggered, it’s the past and the abuse of the past. It’s an automatic involuntary reaction to the past abuse.
Can you see how hard this is on my Hubby? He feels like he’s always walking on eggshells trying to avoid triggering me. I told him I feel for him, but it’s not something we can control, it’s going to happen regardless while my brain learns to catch up with the present. It has to learn that I’m safe now, and not in trouble. It has to learn that him cleaning out the fridge, is not an attack on my housekeeping, it’s a kind gesture.
I told him that maybe triggers aren’t always bad, when I can catch them. If I can catch them, then I can stop, and remind myself that I’m in the present, that I’m safe, and I have a kind supportive Husband who just wants to show me his love by helping me out. How blessed am I?! Thus retraining my brain. Today I was not able to catch it right away, but soon enough to avoid a fight, and to be able to sit down calmly with Hubby and listen to how he felt about the whole thing,validate that, and apologize that I hurt him.
Then I was able to remind him it’s not him triggering me, but my past. I was triggered earlier today as well (Hubby didn’t know this one) Right away I told myself I’m in the present, I’m safe now. It went away, and I don’t even remember what it was about anymore.
I’m slowly catching my brain up to the present. That’s a good thing. I’m also aware how difficult this is for Hubby. Although I’m glad I’m aware, I wish he didn’t have to deal with this, he’s the only man in my life who hasn’t deserved this.
How do you deal with triggers when you’re aware of them?
There is hope!
