The last few days I’ve been hurting. I’m doing okay, but grief has been a constant companion. I grieve for the family I wished I had. Many will know I chose to remove them from my life because they’re toxic. I’m the black sheep of the family, being the only one that sees the abuse and calling them out on it. I also grew up as the target child. The sister favourited. We fought to maintain a relationship into our adulthood, but eventually the father’s divide and conquer tactics won out. Sister succumbed to narcissism, and I would not allow her attacks on me any longer.
For my health and sanity, I made the painful choice of cutting off all contact. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or care. In fact it seems no matter how badly a parent treats or abuses a child, that child never stops loving them or longing for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t long for the abuse, I long for parents who care, parents who nurture, parents who I can call with the ups and downs of life, and know that I will find love and support on the other end; not judgement, condemnation, criticism and ultimately abuse.
It hurts every day to know I wouldn’t find support from them. Just over a year ago, Hubby and I bought our first home. I couldn’t even tell my family. I had no one on my side to celebrate with. That hurt and still does.
You see, we the survivors grieve twice. When we come to a place of realizing that our abusive families will not change, we grieve a death of what we wish would be, yet realize will never be. We will grieve again when they die, but not because they’re gone, but all hope of something better with them dies too.
My heart is aching because there’s so much I long to share with my family and I can’t. If I were to tell them about my struggles, they would enjoy my suffering. If I were to share any good with them, they would make it their mission to tear me apart. This is what narcissists do. They bask in your misery, and make it their mission to destroy your joy.
I wish it weren’t so. I wish they knew me, I wish I could share my life with them.
Having said that, I’m thankful I have a loving Hubby who has been my Godsend. I’m thankful to have escaped their abuse, and I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to recover and live a life free from abuse.
Can you relate?
There is hope!
